Today is World Adoption Day. Last year we drew smiley faces on our hands with wide-stars in our eyes, dreaming of our pending adoption. This year we draw smiley faces on our hands with weary eyes and hope that one day our smiles will overshadow the tears of this post-adoption phase where we currently find ourselves.
For days,
I’ve wanted to share the highlights or our trip and the happenings of our new
family with you- but the emotions needed sorting, and the words needed time to
develop.
For months,
we stared at those sweet princess eyes in the pictures from the orphanage. For
fifteen months, Bree was merely a 4x6 or 5x7 scattered in frames around our
house. We dreamed about this sweet little girl who we pursued for so long. We
wondered about her milestones- what words does she say? Does she walk? What
does she like to eat? What will she think of our new home?
Then one
day, we boarded one plane. A second plane.... then a third. Finally, we drove
to a little orphanage in southern India. I should clarify- “we” never drove,
praise the Lord for all our amazing drivers who miraculously navigated that
crazy Indian traffic. After nearly 48 hours of travels, those pictures became
flesh. Fear set in big time- fear in us, fear in her.
even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption to himself as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, Ephesians 1: 4-5
The trip was
fairly seamless. Our Indian guides were phenomenal; our agency took such great
care of us. We had all the paperwork we needed- and MORE!
Medical
exam. Check.
Visa.
Check.
Exit
permit. Headache… but check.
Oh, and I
should mention our little miracle surprise:
We accepted
Bree’s referral knowing she was HIV-positive at five months old. Honestly, this
was probably the only reason we received her referral since Americans are only
allowed to adopt “special needs”. However, while in India, our agency guide suggested
we go ahead and have her retested because if she turned out negative, we could
eliminate half our appointments and go home early. So, we paid 250 rupees, Bree
endured a quick prick and within twenty minutes our lives changed.
NEGATIVE.
We almost
laughed at this great surprise. It was as if God kept her “positive” until the
last minute and we exited India with a perfectly healthy baby girl!
While the
logistics of our trip were super smooth, our attachment and bonding with Bree
was quite bumpy. We saw some of her rough edges manifested in India- hitting,
throwing things, etc. But they were quite manageable until we introduced her to
this other little rough toddler, her brother.
These pictures truly capture the sentiments of each "B"!
I expected
hard times. What I didn’t expect was MY bitterness. The resentment every time
this “sweet” little Indian princess hit MY son. I felt like I’d lost my neat
and tidy little family. We already had one son and one daughter- perfect,
right? But a brown-eyed, curly-haired toddler wobbled into our family and changed
everything.
My sin rose
like a tidal wave. It crashed down in heavy conviction day after day. Of course I always knew my heart was wicked
and anything good in me was from Christ, but this depth of sin was overwhelming.
How could I lack compassion for this rough-edged-orphan we’d pursued for a year
and a half?
Like any
other human being, we only post the “good” on social media, so the comments
flowed in: She looks so natural on you…
you look so happy… she looks like she’s adjusting so well. She's SUCH a doll! People would
say, “Congratulations,” which would grate on my hopeless and heavy heart.
And I let
you all believe it because I wanted those comments to be true.
Brooks and
Bree have almost identical sins. They throw tantrums. They fight over me. They
hate to share. They are typical toddlers, but what’s not identical is my love
for them. My patience for Brooks is natural and easy. It’s work for me to be
patient with Bree. It doesn't come from within me. That’s the raw, hard truth.
When Brooks
was born, I distinctly remember the doctor placing all 9lb and 14 oz of him on
me, and I saw him and knew he was MINE. He looked like mine, he felt like mine-
loving him came so naturally.
Loving Bree
has been so unnatural and totally SUPERNATURAL. I have had to stay plugged into
the LORD and let His overflow of love spill onto her.
And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes and be careful to obey my rules. Ezekiel 26:26
Isn’t it
funny how quickly we forget? God has been all over our adoption of Bree. I’m
totally guilty of reading the Old Testament and criticizing each person who
experiences these amazing manifestations of God’s grace and providence and then
turns around and worries and frets. I am no different and just as quick to
forget. God’s been faithful before and He WILL BE faithful today and tomorrow.
Grace
descends on me like a flood every day. I have clung so tightly to this verse
each and every day since I’ve met Bree:
For from his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace. John 1: 16
Five weeks
later, I’m happy to say we have more sweet moments. Bree has learned to kiss,
and loves showing off this trick, so it’s a great substitute for her hitting
others. We've had some royal battles over the word, “please”, but a couple of
times she has surrendered and said “please” with a smile. Huge victories over
this tiny word. She’s finally letting me hold her bottle for her instead of
pushing my hand away. She’s learning how to have a mother just as I’m learning
how to mother her. My heart melts more and more when I rock her to sleep. And
she’s beginning to see her siblings as friends, not competition.
for whatever one sows, that will he also reap. For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life. And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. Galatians 6:7-9
I share
this blog with you on World Adoption Day not to depress you, but to give you a
little sight into the reality of adoption. We still believe adoption is beautiful. But now we realize how beautifully messy adoption is. We have no doubt God called us to
adopt Bree, and we will continue to sow into her life and let God reap the
harvest. We are five weeks into a lifetime with her. I cannot wait for the day when all sinful soot of my heart has been
swept away and the beautiful redemption of our adoption story is clear for all
to see!
